Every month, our dirtbike section burns up the line with Rick Sieman's "Don't Ask" column.  If you haven't read it before, you are missing out.  2 parts grouch slapping people for not using proper grammar, 2 parts grouch slapping people for asking stupid questions, amid a whole lot of technical motorcycle expertise, stirred together with a healthy dose of vintage nostalgia and bench racing.

This month, it has spilled and overflowed, so we thought we'd bring you a sneak peek here first - look for the full column on the Off-Road.com Dirtbike Editorial site April 1.  But for now, enjoy.  And beware!

DON’T ASK!

QUESTIONS ANSWERED, INSULTS HURLED, LESSONS LEARNED

                                                 ***

 DIRE WARNINGS AND THINGS YOU OUGHT TO KNOW

If you choose to email a question to this forum, then you must conduct yourself accordingly.   Therefore, the following rules are in order

1. Do not write your email to me IN CAPS. If you  do so, I will print out your question and do terrible things to it.

2. Do not request a personal email response.  Since I get thousands of questions each month,  trying to answer them all would cut deeply into my leisure time, which I value more than your current state of confusion.

3. Try to spell at least in a semi-correct fashion. If you choose to mangle the English language, expect no mercy from this quarter. You might be mocked severely.

4. Do not ask for me to send you copies of my many manuals and literature. I am not in the library business, nor do I want to spend the bulk of my day at the copy machine just because you're too lazy to ask your dealer, or look around a bit.

5. Don't bother me with truly stupid questions, like how to get 50 more horsepower for a buck and a half

6. Now that you know the rules, think carefully and have at it!

Oh yes … I’ll leave your email unedited, for what it’s worth.

                                    ***

SUBJECT:  BUILDING YOUR OWN DIRT BIKE

Im a 10 year old boy who loves to ride dirtbikes. I have a project Im working on. I have an old dirtbike frame and I have an old leaf blower that runs. I want to put the leaf blower in the dirtbike frame and I cant figure out how to rig up the throttle. Do you have any sugestions that might give me an idea for this project?
J. Ryeley

This called for some comments from Matt Cuddy, who has built more weird dirt bikes that any person alive. The fact that he's still alive is mute testimony to his skills in this department.  Read and learn:

Very good idea there my 10 year old friend, but you didn't mention what type of frame you have, so I will have to think it's a standard mini-bike frame.

The big problem with leaf blower motors is they are very small (about 30cc) and once you get the fan cage off, you'll see that the crankshaft end that's sticking out of the case is tiny, about the size of your pinky finger, and almost impossible to mount any type of clutch or sprocket to.

Also, there are no "motor mounts" on the tiny motor to speak of, and the best bet would be constructing a motor mount that bolts to the case halves, and the bottom of the frame. Too much work, for too little power from that itsy-bitsy motor.

I suggest you find a five horsepower Briggs & Stratton laying around somewhere (a 3 & 1/2 horse works too) and your problems will be solved, as there are thousands of places where you can buy parts for the Briggs, and even more places that sell clutches, throttles, hop-up kits, etc.

While your idea on using a weed-blower motor is sound in thinking, in practical application it would be almost impossible to mount, and the low horsepower from the tiny little two stroke would hardly move you and your bike at the same time.

Go with a Briggs & Stratton, or if you're really into technology, an over head valve 4 HP Honda. Please keep us updated on the project, and maybe we'll run a full report on it, in the dirtbike section of Off-Road.com.

                                                          ***

SUBJECT:  REMEMBER MUNTZ CYCLE PARK?

Hey Rick!

I called you a few years ago. What a phone bill! You were still in Mex. Just wanted to thank you for Dirt Bike Magazine. I bought the first few issues, then here and there bought more. Shouda kept those first ones. Hope you are doing well. Remember Munts Cycle Park? Did it become Valley for a while? I rented some s**tbox Suzuki one time. ran like a...well...a rental dirt bike! Handled like wheelbarrow with a flat and only one handle! 

I would have "ghost rode" it down that gnarly hill climb, but it couldn't make it up the back way. Wasn't the first bike to make it up that hill a dirt bike with a Kawasaki H500 triple in it? I heard the first bike to make it up was going to get $500 (the rider) Remember any of that? Right across from the Simi Drive-in used to be a Dunecycle rental track. Got kicked out 'cause my friend and I got to the very rear of the course and stayed there too long shooting around instead of just making the lap. 

Well, I've read "MONKEY BUTT" at least 5 times, now. A very educational read. All dirt-bikers should buy it! All true, too! (?) I grew up in Thousand Oaks, California from '57 to '73 when I graduated H.S. and went into the Army. What a great time to be off-road! Also, I heard someone was looking for info on the Chris Cycle. A friend had one. It was cool! not quite a Hodaka powered Bonanza, but it still ran good. Had a long, chrome gas tank, a real clutch and i think a 4 speed. Made in Italy, I think. 

Well, hope to hear from you and/or read your answers in "DON'T ASK". By the way, was my grammar and/or spelling okay? Take notes, mini-riders, It can be done. My skool musta ben gooder then yurs.

Dave Fruhling
Gold Hill, OR

Wow, your email brings back a lot of memories.  Muntz Cycle Park got renamed Valley Cycle Park and it used to be a great place to ride.  Hang on to that first copy of DB, as it's going for around $200 now.  Your spelling was "way gooder" than normal.

                                                          *** 

SUBJECT:  WHICH BIKE SHOULD HE GET? 

Hi Rick,

I was wanting a newer kx 500 kawasaki, I like them alot ,but i dont know if i can get on one as Im 5'10 but 30in, in the seam,? do i get an oplder bike and fit on it rick or do i get the kx and have it adjusted if its possible,? I was looking at the older 73 maico 400's in orange and the older 74 yamaha 250,360 mx's,too, I mean if i could fina an older maico id get it but ive heard about the thing on parts and pieces falling off but i still like them they were really something and handled really good, please help me Rick on this ok, im 48 and getting back into riding ok, thanks alot

kirk c.
Alton, KS

If you're just getting back into riding, then consider a KDX 200, most any year in the last decade.  They're great bikes and very reliable.  If you want to race vintage and reliability is the prime issue, consider a CZ.  Stay away from the KX500.  In my opinion, it's a poor bike. 

                                                          ***

SUBJECT:  ELSINORE OR PURSANG? 

Rick

I have found a one owner 79 elsinore $2500,,, Also, a 75 Pursang, same price , this is 175cc frame with 250 top end... whats your opinion? Both within driving distance, im a novice mxer although I have ridden them for a lot years (not lately) .

Rohn Ussery
Robins AFB, GA  

Forget the Pursang and go for the Elsinore, although  the price seems high for a 79, unless it's perfect.  

                                                          *** 

SUBJECT:  NO GAS TO A 1985 CR500 

I just bought a 85 cr 500. I took the carb apart, cleaned it and the reeds and rad valve and put a new spark plug in it. It fired right up with the old gas still in it. then I drained the remainder out and put new gas in and now it wont start. Can you help?

Brad
Paso Robles, CA 

From what you described, it sounds like the gas is not flowing into the carb.  Float level might be grossly off, or the float needle might be  stuck.  Check this first. 

                                                          *** 

SUBJECT:  LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT BIKE 

Hi Rick

kirk c, from kansas here, still looking at bike,s I still like the TM 400 suzuki , I mean the 74 model Is  this one better than the 71's that were hand grenades? I hope so as i cant find anything that i like as much or the looks of than a TM 400, maicos are ok kinda crude looking, buls are neat if you worked on them first, 

Yamahas are nice if you can find a good one,I like the 360 MX, 74 mod, I think the older yammies and suzukis are kinda in the same league, good quality, or as good as anything out there if you got good shocks, and redid the forks, and jet the carbs right than youll have a sweet bike, Plus,,,, they fit me alot better than the newer stuff that looks like puddle jumpers, 

I m sure glad your doing good Rick, and i heard that you guys are moving back to Az, good move, Im not nuts just looking and not buying  but i have to be sure like you in what im gettingI know you said the older Elsinore 250M's were really nice too and id like to have one if people didnt think they were made from gold, and were asking wayyyy too much for one, or the old thing where pour all your money in it but get nothing out of it, 

Im sure glad your there rick to help and guide guys like me  that know better than to be swayed by anything trendy and then it dies out, hope things are going good with you guys,

cordially

Kirk C,  

The 1974 TM400 was actually better than the original beast.  If you want to race an older (and lower) bike, the best pre-75 bike you can get is a Maico.  Period.   

                                                          *** 

Want more? Check out past editions of "Don't Ask!"